April Cancerversary and Philadelphia
Sometime this morning:
I'm sitting here in the infusion center at the moment getting my chemo drugs and also starting to feel really sleepy from the Benadryl. Being on Benadryl is such a weird feeling because I'm so sleepy but I try to fight it until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I think it's because I'm still afraid to fall asleep and not wake up. It's an irrational thought, I know. Plus, it's April...my Cancerversary month. 6 years ago in the month of April I found out I had Metastatic breast cancer. I found the tumor on April 6, went to the doctor on April 9, got an ultrasound and mammogram April 10, biopsy on April 11, told I had HER2+ breast cancer on April 12, PET scan and bone scan April 26, and found out it had already spread to my liver on April 27. The only date I can't remember is the day I had the breast MRI to get an accurate size of the tumor. Turns out I had 3 tumors in my right breast measuring 7cm, 3cm and 1cm. I also had 2 lesions on my liver which confirmed breast cancer metastasis through a liver biopsy. (BTW...the reason I got my results so fast is because they knew I was a nurse and called them multiple times insisting on getting results ASAP)
The month of April was a horrible month. I think I cried that whole month and probably for the first year. After awhile I just got accustomed to my new "normal". I continued to work because I think it helped and still helps distract me from the reality that this is now my life. Scans, echos, chemo, labs, etc. I think I'll probably freak out again once it spreads to another part of my body. I know it's inevitable but I still hope my cancer stays in check and doesn't grow for awhile. That would be SOOOOO nice. I want to see my kid at least graduate from high school, maybe even college, get married and give me grandbabies.
I know that my life has been a rollercoaster these past few months but I'm really hoping that everything will turn out ok. I'm not going to say I'm going to "stay positive" because I hate when people tell me that. It's like telling me I shouldn't ever feel bad about my situation but everyone's entitled to bitch about crappy times sometimes. You can't leave that all inside. Also, don't tell me I can "beat this" because that's just not the case for Stage 4 cancer. All we can do is continue treatment after treatment to keep the cancer from spreading TOO FAST until the cancer can NO LONGER be controlled by medicine. Hopefully it's a long time from now.
Speaking of MBC (metastatic breast cancer), I had the opportunity to go to Philadelphia for the LBBC (Living Beyond Breast Cancer) MBC conference through a grant. I love going because I get to see my friends. Not all are alive anymore but we keep their memory alive as much as we can. It was so much fun to see friends that understand exactly what I'm going through. I only have the chance to do this about twice a year.
1708 (5:08pm)
I started writing this blog entry in chemo but the Benadryl took over and I couldn't concentrate and had to take a nap. I'm back home now, still sleepy but trying to stay awake as long as possible to spend time with Cruz and Kitty. Cruz is getting to that age where he'd rather spend time with friends but Kitty goes through mommy withdrawl. As soon as I get home she goes crazy and won't leave me alone, which I gladly accept her cuddles. And of course she lays down on my bag next to me. But anyway, yes, I did go to Philadelphia and it was wonderful. I saw old friends, missed friends that passed away and met new ones. I love, love, love going to these conferences. The best conversation of the conference is how some doctors withhold medications such as narcotics and anxiety medications due to their own personal bias regarding addiction. I mean...HELLO! Who cares about this if a person is dying! Wouldn't you rather keep a dying person comfortable and not in pain?
The other topic I enjoyed was the use of cannabis. Although it is now legal in California and other states, it is still federally illegal. I just don't understand how it's so difficult for people to understand that cannabis is a natural product that helps cancer patients in so many ways. We need to be able to do studies. It's just not right to criminalize something that can help so many people. People are dying.
We need more research in so many areas. One of those areas is MBC. Here's an example of how fast things can change in MBC.
I'm sitting here in the infusion center at the moment getting my chemo drugs and also starting to feel really sleepy from the Benadryl. Being on Benadryl is such a weird feeling because I'm so sleepy but I try to fight it until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I think it's because I'm still afraid to fall asleep and not wake up. It's an irrational thought, I know. Plus, it's April...my Cancerversary month. 6 years ago in the month of April I found out I had Metastatic breast cancer. I found the tumor on April 6, went to the doctor on April 9, got an ultrasound and mammogram April 10, biopsy on April 11, told I had HER2+ breast cancer on April 12, PET scan and bone scan April 26, and found out it had already spread to my liver on April 27. The only date I can't remember is the day I had the breast MRI to get an accurate size of the tumor. Turns out I had 3 tumors in my right breast measuring 7cm, 3cm and 1cm. I also had 2 lesions on my liver which confirmed breast cancer metastasis through a liver biopsy. (BTW...the reason I got my results so fast is because they knew I was a nurse and called them multiple times insisting on getting results ASAP)
The month of April was a horrible month. I think I cried that whole month and probably for the first year. After awhile I just got accustomed to my new "normal". I continued to work because I think it helped and still helps distract me from the reality that this is now my life. Scans, echos, chemo, labs, etc. I think I'll probably freak out again once it spreads to another part of my body. I know it's inevitable but I still hope my cancer stays in check and doesn't grow for awhile. That would be SOOOOO nice. I want to see my kid at least graduate from high school, maybe even college, get married and give me grandbabies.
I know that my life has been a rollercoaster these past few months but I'm really hoping that everything will turn out ok. I'm not going to say I'm going to "stay positive" because I hate when people tell me that. It's like telling me I shouldn't ever feel bad about my situation but everyone's entitled to bitch about crappy times sometimes. You can't leave that all inside. Also, don't tell me I can "beat this" because that's just not the case for Stage 4 cancer. All we can do is continue treatment after treatment to keep the cancer from spreading TOO FAST until the cancer can NO LONGER be controlled by medicine. Hopefully it's a long time from now.
Speaking of MBC (metastatic breast cancer), I had the opportunity to go to Philadelphia for the LBBC (Living Beyond Breast Cancer) MBC conference through a grant. I love going because I get to see my friends. Not all are alive anymore but we keep their memory alive as much as we can. It was so much fun to see friends that understand exactly what I'm going through. I only have the chance to do this about twice a year.
1708 (5:08pm)
I started writing this blog entry in chemo but the Benadryl took over and I couldn't concentrate and had to take a nap. I'm back home now, still sleepy but trying to stay awake as long as possible to spend time with Cruz and Kitty. Cruz is getting to that age where he'd rather spend time with friends but Kitty goes through mommy withdrawl. As soon as I get home she goes crazy and won't leave me alone, which I gladly accept her cuddles. And of course she lays down on my bag next to me. But anyway, yes, I did go to Philadelphia and it was wonderful. I saw old friends, missed friends that passed away and met new ones. I love, love, love going to these conferences. The best conversation of the conference is how some doctors withhold medications such as narcotics and anxiety medications due to their own personal bias regarding addiction. I mean...HELLO! Who cares about this if a person is dying! Wouldn't you rather keep a dying person comfortable and not in pain?
The other topic I enjoyed was the use of cannabis. Although it is now legal in California and other states, it is still federally illegal. I just don't understand how it's so difficult for people to understand that cannabis is a natural product that helps cancer patients in so many ways. We need to be able to do studies. It's just not right to criminalize something that can help so many people. People are dying.
We need more research in so many areas. One of those areas is MBC. Here's an example of how fast things can change in MBC.
Do you notice anyone missing from the top photo?
Anise Smith died just weeks before the conference this year. It's not fair. She had 2 beautiful daughters to take care of and now they lost their mother. Please help spread awareness that breast cancer isn't just a pink ribbon and tutus. People are actually dying. Not everyone is cured.
Oh, so many things to talk about. Right now I'm so exhausted from chemo. Tomorrow I have a day off but then back to work. How do I do this? I don't know. I love my job but it's also a necessity to work. I'm a single mom with a single income and a pre-teen boy. I guess I should be happy that he's not a pre-teen girl...lol. I'll save the rest for a future blog. For now, just enjoy the sunrise I saw in Philadelphia and hope that everything turns out ok.
Your writing is so powerful. And bursting with honesty in an intimate way. I love your posts. Keep us informed please. Keep spreading the message. We have the same problem with my son's anti anxiety medicine. They are saying he will become addicted. But who cares if it really helps. So when he goes for his appointment they keep saying they are reducing the dose even tho it appears to work well and quell his episodes. It is so infuriating. Okay love. Thinking of you. Stay well. Loves from Toronto. xoxo
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