Cancer & Anxiety

Panic attacks really suck. I had never experienced one until I got cancer and I feel like I have to start from the beginning. When I got the first call telling me that the biopsy results were positive for breast cancer I was at work having dinner. I knew something was wrong because the doctors were avoiding my calls but I was persistant and they finally called me to give me the bad news. I broke down crying because I really didn’t expect to hear those words. I really thought they were going to tell me I was fine but I wasn’t fine. At that point began a series of doctor visits and procedures. Despite all of this I was still optimistic that it had been caught early. The surgeon and oncologist advised me to start chemo before surgery to shrink down the tumor but first they wanted a breast MRI to get accurate measurements.

When I went to get the results, the oncologist began by showing me the images and just one look and I became hysterical in his office because I could tell that one of the tumors was huge which automatically bumped me up to a Stage III. This meant that I would get an automatic PET-CT scan and with it came a higher possibility of it being Stage IV. In total I had 3 tumors in my right breast, the biggest one being 7cm. I had my moment of anguish and once again I became positive that it wasn’t Stage IV but I was wrong. The PET scan revealed a spot on my liver which was then biopsied. After many phone calls to my oncologist’s office he finally called to tell me I had metastatic breast cancer. This time I was really hysterical. Unfortunately I didn’t quite get the support I needed at home at that moment. Instead of a hug or some words of comfort, I got rejection and an extreme feeling of loneliness.

I had sent my son to a neighbor’s house to spare him from seeing his mother cry. I then called my family to give them the bad news. The first few weeks after the diagnosis were terrible. All I could think about was not wanting to leave my son without a mother. I mourned all the moments I would miss while my son grew up without me and I was afraid that he would forget me because he was so young. Would he even remember me? It was the most devastating time in my life and all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. The person I thought was my partner for life made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to ever cry. I’m sure he had his reasons and I try really hard to understand them. I guess everyone handles a situation differently but this was definitely not the way to go.

It’s a terrible situation to go through and you should be allowed to express your grief without criticism. During my treatment I felt complete loneliness. My family lives two hours away so it’s not like they could be there for me all the time. I just continued to work practically full time. In a way the routine was helpful for me and my oncologist had a plan.

My oncologist at the time felt that my best chance would be to join a clinical trial and he found one for me at UCSF. I qualified and so began my 6 months of weekly chemo. My younger sister lives in San Francisco so she was able to go with me to most of my infusions but I was sad that the one person I wanted there the most wasn’t. It saddened me deeply and it still really affects me to this day. I just wanted love and support but I didn’t get it the way I hoped. I think all of these emotions coupled with the side effects of the trial medication contributed to the beginning of my panic attacks.

I had my first big panic attack during my last cycle of chemo (each cycle was two months long). I was getting my infusion and I started to feel my anxiety building until my heart was racing and I had this intense feeling like I was dying. I asked my sister to get the nurse. They took my vital signs. My heart rate was in the 120’s and my blood pressure was slightly elevated but nothing really to be concerned about. They advised me to take 1mg of my Ativan and a caring nurse walked with me up and down the hall until I calmed down. Later I learned that many of the participants in the trial began suffering panic attacks so it was probably a clinical trial medication side effect. Even after I left the trial the panic attacks continued to the point where I was having one practically every day.

 I have to say that having a panic attack is horrible. When you’re having one, it truly feels like you are going to die even though you know you’re fine. As a nurse I would start counting my heart rate. I would try to calm myself down by going through my symptoms until I convinced myself that I had no symptoms that were life threatening. I also started going to therapy and began taking a medication that has been extremely helpful. Now, I only have an occasional panic attack but definitely not to the extreme that they were before. Before an infusion I always take an Ativan to prevent a panic attack from coming on. For some reason I’m always afraid something is going to go wrong during the infusion which helps all those anxious feelings rise to the surface.

I am glad that I feel a lot better now. I’m still afraid of being too optimistic though. I feel like I can’t be optimistic because then the let-down will be worse when the cancer does come back. I guess I am hopeful but realistic. I cry a lot less about cancer than I used to. Now I cry for other things but my son is my constant source of happiness. I am grateful that we’re in a good place in my health right now and I try to focus on living in the present instead of thinking too much about the future. Sorry for the long post. The next one will be shorter. J