All I Want for Christmas

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All I want for Christmas is to have a clear scan this coming January and to spend many years with my son. The biggest Christmas wish I have is a cure for cancer but that dream seems too big, doesn't it? I don't think we're even close to a cure but we can still hope. Hopefully by the time my grandchildren are grown there will be a cure. For now all I can hope for is that more medications are discovered so that I could live like this and manage this cancer like a chronic disease. That's what the doctors tell me, but cancer seems like a pretty f***ed up disease to live with. Even with all the medications available most people with Stage IV cancer don't make it past 5 years and that's not acceptable to me. Scientists have made a lot of progress with medications for HIV and you see many people affected by it live for many years. There are people with Stage IV cancer that live 20+ years but that is very rare. I hope that I am one of those people because there are many things I'd like to do and see in this world.

I still have never been in an airplane. I know, that sounds crazy doesn't it but I grew up poor with not even a car until I was 12 so it's not too unbelievable. I've always driven, taken a bus or train to travel. Never had the money to travel somewhere far like Europe. I would really love to do that one day with my son at my side. I would like to take him to Mexico with me to visit our family again because I haven't been there in such a long time. I want him to know his roots, the roots that I passed on to him. I also want us to go somewhere warm and tropical with warm beaches. Neither of us can swim but I just want to experience a warm beach. All the beaches around here are usually really cold. 

I want to watch my son graduate high school and college. I want to watch him get married and I want to hold his children in my arms. Is that too much to ask for? I never thought I wanted to get old as much as I do right now. I want to spend many Christmas's with my son and my family. This year will be my first Christmas without my partner of 11 years, my son's father. I'm not gonna lie. It's gonna be a tough holiday to get through but I know I can get through it because I already have the best part of him and his name is Cruz. My lovely boy. Maybe one day I will find a partner strong enough to stand by my side through this fight but it's okay if I don't. I have Cruz, my family and a few friends that I know will be with me until the end. For now, I am asking God to help me find peace and forgiveness in my heart because I don't want to leave this earth angry. The holidays are about peace, joy and love so that's what I will try to focus on this Christmas. I can't wait to spend the next few days with Cruz and my family. So, Merry Christmas!
Presents!

Comments

  1. CatherineDecember 23, 2013 at 2:07 AM

    Merry Christmas. I hope you get your wish. And, frankly, I hope we are giving a cure asap. I'd like to hit that 20+ year mark as well, and I think that rests in the therapies being developed today. So that's my wish ;)

    But in the meanwhile, enjoy that lovely tree and the holiday. ~Catherine

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownDecember 29, 2013 at 11:41 PM

    Merry Christmas to you too Catherine! I hope you're enjoying your time in Hungary. Hopefully one day I can fly there and see all the beautiful places you describe in your blog. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete

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