My New Normal

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Reading letters at the UCSF Cancer Infusion Center.

Last Friday I went to UCSF for my infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta and I got a nice surprise. Apparently a local school had donated blankets to the cancer infusion center to give to us cancer patients. The blankets are meant to bring us some warmth and comfort while we're getting our infusions. With the blankets came some letters from the students who made them. They were so sweet to read and some of them had addresses asking for a response to the letters. I'm still thinking about writing back or not. It looks like the letters and blankets were made about two years ago. They were put into storage and I guess forgotten about until now. So, now I have a blanket to take with me to my infusions. Somehow it's always so cold in hospitals.

 I like going to my infusions. Going to the cancer infusion center is the only place where I feel like it's okay to be me. With everyone else I feel like I have to pretend that I'm perfect; that nothing is wrong. I think it makes people uncomfortable to think about illness and death. It doesn't help that I am going through the worst emotional time of my life for the past two years especially the last 6-8 months so I don't blame anyone. Which is why I look forward to my infusions. I like talking to the nurses, medical assistants and if I can stay awake the occasional cancer patient that knows exactly what I'm going through. Sometimes I wish I could meet more friends with cancer because we would have a lot in common. Going through something like this is difficult and it's something that's indescribable unless you're going through it. So, for now I wait. I wait for my next infusion where I can be myself and where people can accept my new normal.

Holding my new blanket in the heated infusion recliner.

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