Tough Day :(

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Had a tough day today. I feel like I have to make myself believe in some way that I deserve better than all of this. And I'm not just talking about cancer. The whole process would have been easier if my boyfriend at the time had shown an interest in my health and provided me with the emotional support that I needed. Giving me rides once in awhile and dropping me off don't count. Not once did he go in to hear what the doctors have to say or watched me lay in bed as the poison entered my body while holding my hand. Fortunately one of my sisters was able to be there with me through practically every chemo. A couple of friends were able to help as well and they didn't just drop me off either. If the roles were reversed I would have been there for him through everything. I would take him to chemo, hold his hand, be there with him during every single doctor appointment because that's what people do when they love someone. And I would do so much more if it came down to it. Is it just me? 

 Right now I'm still feeling the effects of a big dose of Ativan so that I wouldn't freak out while getting my PET-CT scan. Yep, no one there to hold my hand. I feel like I can't say this enough. I NEED SUPPORT! My family lives 2 hours away so I have to rely on people around me at this moment. Luckily there are many people who are able to help me with Cruz during my many appointments so thank you so very much! Sometimes though I just need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to come over and talk with me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And I need my ex and a certain girl to please stop making things so difficult. I don't think this is too much to ask. I need some peace. I need to be stress free. And yes, I see a therapist. I think anyone going through what I'm going through should see a therapist. You definitely can't do it alone and every time I go see my therapist I feel a sense of relief wash over me. Like there's someone that really cares and wants to help me. 

 I'm not the strong, brave person people believe me to be. At least not all the time. There's a time to be strong and brave but you can't hold it in all the time. It'll just build up until one day you explode. For the most part I put on my brave face, mostly for Cruz, and I move through life as if nothing is different. My hair is finally growing at a decent rate so I'm hoping to have a cuter hairstyle by the end of the year. I guess I'm just trying to live my life as normally as possible but it's not exactly normal so I'm just asking for some understanding and emotional support. Please?

 P.S. As soon as I get my results for my scan I will post in a new blog. So nervous!
I always get the most interesting IV's since I'm allergic to Tegaderm.


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