Parties and Birthdays

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I've been thinking about my birthday a lot recently since it's in a couple of months and I really hope that I have an awesome birthday this year. My last two birthdays have been kind of horrible and I'm hoping that this year my luck will turn around. I would love to have a birthday party but to be honest I'm not sure anyone would even come. I don't have very many friends out here where I live and I'm sure everyone's busy anyway. I'm also not very good at planning parties. I guess I just want to forget about all the bad stuff that's happened to me over the past two years. I want to be able to celebrate life and the fact that I'm still here and fighting.

 I just feel so alone out here sometimes and I want to feel like people actually care. Does that make sense? All I can do is try I guess. I think that sometimes my current life experiences are just too overwhelming for some people. They don't know what to say so they just pull away or don't let themselves get close. So, I'm sorry. My life is just super complicated right now but I hope you understand that I don't expect you to fix anything. Sometimes I just want someone there to listen. I'm starting to understand that I can bear it all with some people and for others I'm just going to hold back.

 I know that this happens to a lot of people living with cancer. Our circle of friends shrinks and it's not for lack of trying. To be honest, going through chemo was one of the loneliest times of my life. I don't wish this experience on anybody. I don't ever want to have that experience again but unfortunately people with Stage IV cancer don't have that luxury. I at least hope that if I go through chemo again my friends stick around. 

 For now, I just want to celebrate that I'm here another year. I've had very few birthday parties in my lifetime but I hope that I have many more birthdays to look forward to. So, yes! I should be celebrating my birthday every single year from now on. I'm still here people! You won't get rid of me anytime soon. :)

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