Sleeping with Ryan Gosling ;)

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I think I've been watching the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling too much. I can't help it though. Who doesn't love Ryan Gosling? But it's affecting my sleep. I just can't seem to get past this insomnia and fear of falling asleep. There's just something about the night because I'm fine taking naps during the day. I'm not as scared. And it's not that I'm scared of the dark or anything. I'm just scared that I won't wake up. I'm definitely not ready to go and I don't feel like I've done enough in this lifetime. This fear began when I was first diagnosed with cancer but it was at it's worst when I was going through chemo. 

 I remember when I was first diagnosed; Cruz, myself and Cruz's father would sleep on the living room floor together. That's where I felt more comfortable. I wanted to be surrounded by my family. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason I felt that if they were both next to me than I couldn't die. We did this for a few months until I made myself move back to the bedroom to go to sleep. I was still scared though and I still am. I just want to feel safe again. I miss that feeling. I also want a good night's sleep. I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking up every two hours or having nightmares. 

 I'm sure the day will come when I feel safe again and the fear of falling asleep will be gone. And no, I won't consider taking sleeping pills. I've taken enough medications and still am. I guess for now I'll continue to soothe myself to sleep with Ryan Gosling movies. ;) 

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