Blah...

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Feeling so blah today. Tomorrow is Cruz's birthday party with his friends and I feel like I have to pump myself up for it. I found out something today that is really upsetting me and I can't stop thinking about it. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with cancer but I just can't take any bad news right now, no matter where it comes from. I just want things to get better. Or at least not suck. That would be nice. Sometimes it feels like things are looking up but it just never really does. Life is a big tease right now. I really need something awesome to happen before my birthday so I can have some hope that life will get better. I make wishes all the time and I'm really hoping that a few come true soon. 

 To be honest, I'm just tired of being strong in front of people. Why should I have to hold back just to make other people comfortable? Why do I always have to be the strong one? For Cruz I will be strong but please let me be vulnerable sometimes. All I know is that my heart can't take anymore bad news. I am seriously running out of tears. 

 I think I need to be more assertive again. I know I can do this on my own but I really don't want to. I need a shoulder to cry on and someone to just hold me sometimes and just be there. I need friends to come visit me. I guess I just need some support and love. 

 I'll pull myself together for Cruz's birthday because I love him but when I get home I'm gonna cry and I don't want to feel judged for feeling sad. It's hard to be a single mom with cancer. I have three full time jobs right now. Nurse, mom, and cancer patient. It's a lot of work but I know I can do it. I've been doing it alone for so long that I wouldn't know what it feels like to have help but I would welcome it. So, I'll cry tonight but tomorrow is another day and I'm gonna make sure Cruz has one of the best birthdays.

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