Tired and Grumpy

I feel exhausted. It's like I can never catch up on rest no matter what I do. After work I am so tired that I spend most of the evening trying not to fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep during the night. It doesn't work. I still end up waking up at least 3 times during the night and then I have to get up and go to work. My days off are spent going to doctors appointments, running errands and being a mom. Being a mom is the never-ending full time job. I love being a mom and despite being tired I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also love being a nurse but to be honest I just don't feel supported at work. I'm feeling pressured. I don't like the politics of my workplace and I don't like feeling like I'm not allowed to be sick. I know that I look healthy but I AM NOT! I don't think they'll ever understand this concept until I look sick. They just want to work me for all they can get out of me. At the beginning of my diagnosis they were good to me but now that the novelty has worn off they don't care. 

All I can say is that chronic disease sucks! Cancer sucks! My stomach hurts all the time to the point where I have to plan my meals for when I'm close to home (which means I don't eat at work). My skin is breaking out and it itches all the time. My nails break off and every once in awhile I have pain at my tumor sites. Did I also mention that I'm tired? All of this due to the side effects of my medication. I just want to feel normal. Maybe I just need a vacation. I want to go out of town, spend a weekend in a hotel and sleep in. I don't want to worry about cooking or cleaning. I just want to have fun with Cruz and forget all about this cancer world. Cruz is the sunshine in my life.

Comments

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