Hope
This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip.
I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in general. Although it had metastatic groups, I felt there was a lot of room for improvement. I hope that I get to tour Philadelphia a little bit while I'm there. And I hope to meet many more friends.
It's so weird because I had such a great time in Houston and I've been back one day and my emotions are back down the drain. The only thing that would have made Houston better would have been having Cruz with me. I just feel like shit. I feel like I have no support, AT ALL and I feel like I give people too many chances. One of the speakers at the conference said that it's helpful to let go of all the people that don't support you. That you can be happy for them from afar but they no longer have a place your life. I know from the bottom of my heart that that's the case but it still makes me sad. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. It's a common theme among us in the metastatic community to be judged based on how we look. At the beginning there's a lot of support and at the end there's a lot of support but what about the middle? We look healthy so people don't think we need help but we do. Don't disappear on us. I just want to know why? Why do people pull away when we need them the most?
AHHHHHH! I just want to scream sometimes. I also wish I didn't care so much but I do. Maybe I'm just freaking out because I'm on medical leave and I'm so worried about money. Going to the conferences is the closest I'll have to a vacation and the only reason I'm going is because they gave me grants to cover the costs. Most people here are married and have a spouse to help financially but for now I'm all alone in the financial department and that's a lot of responsibility and stress on me. Work is stressful and not working is just as stressful but I know that in the end taking care of my body, mind and health is more important.
I also got great news today. I've officially been accepted into the FNP program at SSU. I decided not to continue my Masters in Leadership and Management due to the disappointing examples I have seen during my career and know that I have made the right decision. Working closely with patients is my calling. So Cruz and I will celebrate tonight and maybe Cruz's dad. And just for the record, this is NOT being NEGATIVE. I'm realistic about my diagnosis and I hope to keep educating you about what it's like to live with this stupid disease. Things can go bad in an instant. Just in the past few months so many women in the metastatic community have died. One dayyou're fine and the next you're fighting for just a few more days. I'm sorry if I'm not the typical cancer patient you see on TV. One thing I have though is Hope. I hope they'll find a cure before I die or at least be really close to one. I hope to graduate with my Master's degree. And finally I hope to be here for Cruz for as long as he needs me.
I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in general. Although it had metastatic groups, I felt there was a lot of room for improvement. I hope that I get to tour Philadelphia a little bit while I'm there. And I hope to meet many more friends.
It's so weird because I had such a great time in Houston and I've been back one day and my emotions are back down the drain. The only thing that would have made Houston better would have been having Cruz with me. I just feel like shit. I feel like I have no support, AT ALL and I feel like I give people too many chances. One of the speakers at the conference said that it's helpful to let go of all the people that don't support you. That you can be happy for them from afar but they no longer have a place your life. I know from the bottom of my heart that that's the case but it still makes me sad. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. It's a common theme among us in the metastatic community to be judged based on how we look. At the beginning there's a lot of support and at the end there's a lot of support but what about the middle? We look healthy so people don't think we need help but we do. Don't disappear on us. I just want to know why? Why do people pull away when we need them the most?
AHHHHHH! I just want to scream sometimes. I also wish I didn't care so much but I do. Maybe I'm just freaking out because I'm on medical leave and I'm so worried about money. Going to the conferences is the closest I'll have to a vacation and the only reason I'm going is because they gave me grants to cover the costs. Most people here are married and have a spouse to help financially but for now I'm all alone in the financial department and that's a lot of responsibility and stress on me. Work is stressful and not working is just as stressful but I know that in the end taking care of my body, mind and health is more important.
I also got great news today. I've officially been accepted into the FNP program at SSU. I decided not to continue my Masters in Leadership and Management due to the disappointing examples I have seen during my career and know that I have made the right decision. Working closely with patients is my calling. So Cruz and I will celebrate tonight and maybe Cruz's dad. And just for the record, this is NOT being NEGATIVE. I'm realistic about my diagnosis and I hope to keep educating you about what it's like to live with this stupid disease. Things can go bad in an instant. Just in the past few months so many women in the metastatic community have died. One dayyou're fine and the next you're fighting for just a few more days. I'm sorry if I'm not the typical cancer patient you see on TV. One thing I have though is Hope. I hope they'll find a cure before I die or at least be really close to one. I hope to graduate with my Master's degree. And finally I hope to be here for Cruz for as long as he needs me.
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