Too Many Changes!

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I really wish I could sleep. Ever since my cancer diagnosis I haven't been able to sleep really well except for infusion days. I look forward to infusion days because I know that I will actually get some sleep. Am I a weird person because I look forward to cancer treatments? The nurses must get annoyed with me too because I love talking to them especially because lately I haven't really had anyone take me that wants to stay by my side. They're the only ones who have an idea of what cancer patients go through. I feel like they're the only ones who understand me. I think that's kind of sad but I can't force anyone to stay or become friends with me. Having a friend with cancer must be hard but ignoring them isn't the best way to deal with it. It's tough on a relationship too but it doesn't help to leave them to do it alone. 

 I'm in a tough spot in my life. So many decisions to make and I wish I had someone by my side to help me make them. I often wonder what I did wrong that was so bad to make people disappear from my life. Am I a bad person? Do I deserve this happening to me? I didn't think so but then why? Why did I get chosen to walk this path alone? 

 I've also been thinking a lot about this possible move and I still have no idea what to do. Sometimes I feel absolutely sure that I should just pack up and go but then other moments I think I should stick it out awhile longer. Ugghh! I'm so confused. I guess if I can find a job then it would make my decision slightly easier. In a way though I feel like I'm being pushed to move away to make life easier for some people. It's just so many changes these past few years and I don't know how much more I can take. But as always I'll put my happy face on and keep going. Something good has got to happen soon, right? May I suggest I win the lottery?

Comments

  1. MandiJune 29, 2015 at 11:34 AM

    Winning the lottery is always a great solution. I wish we could all win it! I am sorry you are lonely Catalina, have you looked at local support groups or something you can do with a shared hobby to create some new connections? I hope all goes well with the decision on the big move. Follow your heart.

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