Not Ready

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I'm feeling sad today. Another friend with metastatic breast cancer died yesterday. She was only 30 years old. That's right...she was 30. In a way I feel as though it happened so suddenly. I know I've said this before and I don't know why I feel shocked every time, but I do. She had been in the hospital recently and was released on the 13th. She went back to the hospital on Sunday and died on Tuesday. She had just posted an update on her blog too. I really didn't expect that she would deteriorate so quickly and that's what scares me. I know we all have Stage IV breast cancer in my groups and that we have the death sentence hanging over our heads but somehow I still don't think it will happen just like that. Here one minute and gone the next. There are some of us that die gradually but lately I feel like it keeps happening unexpectedly. For a cancer patient I am pretty healthy and probably healthier than some of my mets friends considering I have limited metastasis so far but...my metastasis is in the liver. Liver metastasis can get bad real fast and that's what's happened to many of my friends in the metastatic community. Once the cancer in your liver decides to go crazy it's very difficult to get it under control. I'm just scared that my cancer in my liver will stop responding to treatment. I'm only on my second line of treatment and I want to stay at this place for a long time. As you change treatments the response to treatment starts to decline as the cancer gets smarter. Which means that I will probably be on my next line of treatment for a shorter amount of time than this one before I have to change. I've been lucky that I've been on the same treatment for 3 years now and hopefully I can get more time out of it but it's sad to watch my friends die. Something needs to change. We need to find a cure. 

 It sucks that we have to think about these things on a daily basis. Is it weird that one of my goals is to at least make it to 45? Yep, that's one of my goals because that's when Cruz will graduate high school. Obviously I would love more time than that but as long as I get to see him become an adult, I'll be fine. I want to be here for the teenage years where he'll hate me and think I'm ruining his life for not letting him go to a party so he can do homework. Lol. I do wish we could have a "normal" life without thinking about my oncology appointments but it is what it is. I think he'll be happy as long as I'm here which is why my cancer better behave. I just need more time. I'm not ready.

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