Long Time Coming...
It's been a long time since I've written an update and to be honest not much has changed. I just had a PET-CT scan a few weeks ago and everything is still the same...stable. No need to change my medication which is a good thing. I can't help but feel guilty though, due to so many friends that have passed away along the way. Why them and not me? I ask myself this every day. Don't get me wrong...I am so grateful to be alive. I just wish my friends could be just as lucky. Many people have come to say that I'm like a cat (cuz of my name Catalina) with 9 lives. When I was a baby I almost choked on a coin. When I was 25 I almost died of postpartum hemorrhage and ended up in ICU, intubated, and restrained after going into shock and having way too many blood transfusions and fluid boluses (I looked like the Pillsbury doughboy). When I was 31 I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and when I was 32 I got a pulmonary embolism. What next?
So far, things have been going well medically but emotionally I'm a wreck but I try not to show it. The other day a coworker was telling me how good my eye make-up looked that day and to be honest the only thing different was that I had cried myself to sleep the night before and my eyes were puffy. There was no change to my make-up. I always find it strange when people tell me I'm an inspiration because I don't feel like one. I love my job but I also go to work because I have to. My medical bills are at a point where there's no way I will ever pay them off before I die so I try not to think about them and they just keep piling up. Nobody tells you about the financial toll a chronic terminal illness can bring to your life. Yet, I'm still trying to enjoy life.
I will be transferring to another hospital soon. It will be closer to home and I will have health insurance. It's a 24hr a week position which is what works best for my current situation although I'm nervous about it because I'm taking a pay cut. On one hand I will no longer be paying $1200/mo for health insurance but then again I'm not sure yet if I'll still make enough money to pay my bills. I will also have to change oncologists which is not something I want to do. I love my oncologist. She is like family to me as well as all the nurses who have taken care of me at the infusion center at UCSF for the last 5 years. I'm trying to find out a way to keep my current oncologist but I'm not sure if it will be possible. This just adds to my stress and weight gain.
Recently I gained 10 lbs out of nowhere so I've been exercising like crazy and have lost almost 5 lbs in less than 2 weeks. You'd think that this would be the least of my worries but the weight gain has really affected my self confidence (not that I had much to begin with...lol) so I'm basically exercising and working which makes for really long days. I was going on hikes for awhile there but the rain has kept me from doing that for awhile. The last time I went on a hike I fell down twice in the mud going down a mountain and with my weak bones, I can't afford to have an accident. It seems like I work on all the sunny days which sucks. I'm set to have my bone strengthening medication with my next infusion which means bone pain for a day afterwards but we do what we gotta do, right? I hope to be able to go on a hike soon. I just wish someone would go with me.
In other cancer news, I recently went to a breast cancer conference in Oakland and was able to see a few of my Mets friends. It felt so good to be in the company of people who "get it". You don't even know until you're in my situation. I'll be going to a Metastatic breast cancer conference in Philadelphia at the end of April and I can't wait! I'm going to stay an extra day so that I can go sight seeing after the conference. I went the year before last but didn't really know a lot of people at the time but now, it's like we're family. I cry every time a Mets sister dies and I pray and hope to have more time with everyone. There's so much more coming up and I promise to continue to update you. Much love.
So far, things have been going well medically but emotionally I'm a wreck but I try not to show it. The other day a coworker was telling me how good my eye make-up looked that day and to be honest the only thing different was that I had cried myself to sleep the night before and my eyes were puffy. There was no change to my make-up. I always find it strange when people tell me I'm an inspiration because I don't feel like one. I love my job but I also go to work because I have to. My medical bills are at a point where there's no way I will ever pay them off before I die so I try not to think about them and they just keep piling up. Nobody tells you about the financial toll a chronic terminal illness can bring to your life. Yet, I'm still trying to enjoy life.
I will be transferring to another hospital soon. It will be closer to home and I will have health insurance. It's a 24hr a week position which is what works best for my current situation although I'm nervous about it because I'm taking a pay cut. On one hand I will no longer be paying $1200/mo for health insurance but then again I'm not sure yet if I'll still make enough money to pay my bills. I will also have to change oncologists which is not something I want to do. I love my oncologist. She is like family to me as well as all the nurses who have taken care of me at the infusion center at UCSF for the last 5 years. I'm trying to find out a way to keep my current oncologist but I'm not sure if it will be possible. This just adds to my stress and weight gain.
Recently I gained 10 lbs out of nowhere so I've been exercising like crazy and have lost almost 5 lbs in less than 2 weeks. You'd think that this would be the least of my worries but the weight gain has really affected my self confidence (not that I had much to begin with...lol) so I'm basically exercising and working which makes for really long days. I was going on hikes for awhile there but the rain has kept me from doing that for awhile. The last time I went on a hike I fell down twice in the mud going down a mountain and with my weak bones, I can't afford to have an accident. It seems like I work on all the sunny days which sucks. I'm set to have my bone strengthening medication with my next infusion which means bone pain for a day afterwards but we do what we gotta do, right? I hope to be able to go on a hike soon. I just wish someone would go with me.
In other cancer news, I recently went to a breast cancer conference in Oakland and was able to see a few of my Mets friends. It felt so good to be in the company of people who "get it". You don't even know until you're in my situation. I'll be going to a Metastatic breast cancer conference in Philadelphia at the end of April and I can't wait! I'm going to stay an extra day so that I can go sight seeing after the conference. I went the year before last but didn't really know a lot of people at the time but now, it's like we're family. I cry every time a Mets sister dies and I pray and hope to have more time with everyone. There's so much more coming up and I promise to continue to update you. Much love.
Hello Catalina! ... what a lovely name. we had our honeymoon in Catalina Island. So beautiful, just like you. I am very happy to read you are doing well as I hadn't read anything in quite a while and we all know what this can mean. I recently lost an online friend, and I was just so terribly sad. She was so vibrant and always kept us up-to-date. And then there was nothing on her website. I emailed her and didn't get an answer. Shortly after that a comment from someone came up on my feed. It said she was no longer in pain. I panicked and googled her name. It came up on a funeral home site. I was devastated. Her family hadn't updated her readers. Maybe they didn't know how. But it's always tragic when you get close to someone, and i'm sure she knew how much I loved her. But I never got the chance to say goodbye. She lived in California. She had two teenagers. Boy, she was an amazing advocate and such a Trojan when it came to her docs and her care. She was just so very clever and wise. Her name was Vicki. And she had an amazing blog. iwantmorethanapinkribbon ... Anyway, just wanted to share. Again, so glad to read you're stable. Much love from Toronto, xoxo
ReplyDelete