Family = Love
I've been having a difficult time falling asleep lately. Usually by the time I fall asleep it's about 2 or 3 in the morning which isn't fun. At least I was able to sleep in this weekend and snuggling with my son watching cartoons in the morning is always the best. He's been wanting to do more chores around the house lately which is nice. I'm teaching him how to do the laundry because for some reason he really wants to do it but I'll definitely have to supervise. I have to say that despite my anxiety and difficulty falling asleep we had a really good weekend. My niece spent the weekend with me and we spent a lot of time out of the house which was nice because it kept my mind distracted. I did go out and do something for myself as well which I may or may not blog about one day. For now I'll just keep it to myself.
It's so strange because the less cancer related doctor appointments I have the less I think about cancer but it's always there at the back of my mind. I can go days now without thinking about it but every once in awhile the cancer thoughts creep back into my thoughts, like now. Soon I will be writing a Will. I feel it's important for me to write down my wishes regarding my son. When I think about dying I don't worry about myself, I worry about my son and what's going to happen to him. At this point I really don't trust that he will be okay without me which is why I'm fighting as hard as I can to stick around. If I go now, I'm not even sure he'll remember me. People tell me to make videos of us which sounds like a really good idea but now I don't have anyone to make the videos and I also don't have a video camera. I should make videos talking about my childhood and life in general so that he'll know me, just in case.
I also feel it's important at this time for him to stay really close to my family because they might be the only connection he has to me when I'm gone. I'm scared that if I die now or anytime soon my son won't be able to interact with my family as much and then who would tell him stories about me. I want him to grow up knowing that family is important and staying connected with each other is important. I really want him to have a strong sense of family. I'm not saying my family is perfect but we love each other and that IS important. I don't want my son to be disconnected from me and I know my family will be able to keep the memory of me alive in him if it ever comes to that which I hope it never does. I'm not so sure my son's father will be able to do that right now so I will continue to fight to live. It's the hardest, most important fight of my life but my son is definitely worth it. I will do anything to protect him, love him, and care for him.
As you can see, having cancer has definitely had me thinking about death more than a woman in her 30's should but honestly, everyone should be thinking about a writing a Will. No one knows exactly when they're going to die, I just happen to have a better idea. I can think of many people who have died before their time and some of those were completely unexpected. I've learned that it's not morbid to think about your death because you definitely have to make plans. So, think about it. Especially if you have children.
It's so strange because the less cancer related doctor appointments I have the less I think about cancer but it's always there at the back of my mind. I can go days now without thinking about it but every once in awhile the cancer thoughts creep back into my thoughts, like now. Soon I will be writing a Will. I feel it's important for me to write down my wishes regarding my son. When I think about dying I don't worry about myself, I worry about my son and what's going to happen to him. At this point I really don't trust that he will be okay without me which is why I'm fighting as hard as I can to stick around. If I go now, I'm not even sure he'll remember me. People tell me to make videos of us which sounds like a really good idea but now I don't have anyone to make the videos and I also don't have a video camera. I should make videos talking about my childhood and life in general so that he'll know me, just in case.
I also feel it's important at this time for him to stay really close to my family because they might be the only connection he has to me when I'm gone. I'm scared that if I die now or anytime soon my son won't be able to interact with my family as much and then who would tell him stories about me. I want him to grow up knowing that family is important and staying connected with each other is important. I really want him to have a strong sense of family. I'm not saying my family is perfect but we love each other and that IS important. I don't want my son to be disconnected from me and I know my family will be able to keep the memory of me alive in him if it ever comes to that which I hope it never does. I'm not so sure my son's father will be able to do that right now so I will continue to fight to live. It's the hardest, most important fight of my life but my son is definitely worth it. I will do anything to protect him, love him, and care for him.
As you can see, having cancer has definitely had me thinking about death more than a woman in her 30's should but honestly, everyone should be thinking about a writing a Will. No one knows exactly when they're going to die, I just happen to have a better idea. I can think of many people who have died before their time and some of those were completely unexpected. I've learned that it's not morbid to think about your death because you definitely have to make plans. So, think about it. Especially if you have children.
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