Just Smile and Nod...

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"Just smile and nod." That's my new motto made up by a college friend. I'm just so tired physically and emotionally. I feel like I often put on a happy face for others just because nobody truly wants to hear how you're really doing. Sometimes it's good just to let it all out. I really don't think it's good to hold back your feelings. I actually cried myself to sleep last night due to a combination of exhaustion and sadness. I just really want to be able to sleep through a whole night without waking up. It's kind of funny because at work my patients always comment about how much I smile and the smiles are real. It's just that I don't want to have to smile all the time to make other people feel better around me. Does that make sense? 

 There's just too many changes. My son and I need some consistency for awhile. I can't imagine how he's feeling after everything that has happened in the past year and a half. He's a strong kid but he really shouldn't have to be going through all these changes. I am trying my best to be there for him as much as possible and be the best mom I can be. Just the other day he told me that I always make his dreams come true which just melted my heart. He also always tells me he loves me more than anybody in the whole world but I argue that I love him more than anybody in the whole world. These are the moments I treasure because believe me he's not always this nice. Like any kid he has his moments. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when he's a teenager but I hope I'm here for it. 

 I have another infusion coming up and I think I'm going alone this time. I usually have someone drive me because I'm so sleepy afterwards but I have appointments all day and I'm starting to feel guilty for asking people to take me. I feel like I'm a burden and nobody should have to waste their day just to keep me company and drive me. Plus, I think I need to get used to doing this alone. On the outside most people can't even tell that I have cancer anyway, especially now that I have the hair extensions. People also usually think I'm cured because of my NED status. My biggest wish is that I am cured so that I can continue sharing all the good and not so good moments with my son. There's always going to be ups and downs and right now it's a little on the down side but I'm working my hardest to move it up. 

Comments

  1. CatherineDecember 11, 2013 at 9:07 AM

    Cure is a beautiful word. If I got a holiday wish, that would be it. I hope the down starts to slope upward very soon.

    ReplyDelete

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