Rollercoaster

-
I'm having a down day. It started off good. I got a Daisy Award at work which is a form of appreciation for a job well done. I was nominated by a patient which is so sweet. But all of a sudden I was overcome with sadness after I got home from work. The holidays are fun but at the same time it can bring back sad memories as well as make me think too much about the future. All of these thoughts can be overwhelming. It's just not fair. If this only happens to strong people then I don't want to be strong anymore. I just want to be "normal". Maybe this is all just a test. Who knows but I'm tired of being tested over and over again. This is the evil work of cancer. It really messes with your head. It's just too many changes  recently and I feel like nobody truly understands. I really have to get away somewhere. I keep having nightmares and I really want to forget them. I'm just tired but definitely not ready to give up. Gonna keep fighting and moving forward. :)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Adventures with Blood Thinners

-
Image
About a year ago on September 12, 2012 I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism (PE) which is a blood clot in the lung. I had absolutely none of the classic symptoms of a PE. Instead my blood clot was found during one of my routine PET-CT scans to check on the progress of my cancer. For some reason people with cancer have a tendency to develop blood clots and I just happened to be one of the lucky ones that got one. I remember getting off the shuttle at the UCSF Parnassus campus and starting to walk to my sister’s flat when I noticed I had a voicemail. It was my nurse practitioner asking me to call her back because “it was kind of an emergency, but kind of not”. At this point I was really nervous thinking that maybe the cancer had spread instead of getting smaller so I called her back. She then told me that I had to go to the Emergency Room to start a regimen of blood thinners because I had a PE. My Lovenox Syringe So, I went to the ER where they gave me my first shot of Lo
Read more

Sticks and Stones

-
Image
Recently I’ve learned a lot of things about people in my life and I am trying to make an effort to keep away from negativity. Negativity stresses me out and stress is the last thing I need. Someone recently tried to say that karma is the reason I have cancer which left me kind of in shock. I’ll admit I’m not perfect but I definitely don’t think I or anyone deserves cancer. If that’s the way karma worked then why do so many great people get sick and die young, while many evil ones get to live well into old age? The comment made me very upset at the time but now I realize that I have to make an effort not to let negativity like that get me down. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. Maybe they didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did or at least that’s what I’m hoping, but the lesson here is to really think about your words before they come out of your mouth. Another example is talking about how you know someone that died of cancer to someone that has cancer. Altho
Read more

Hair Stylings

-
Image
Hair is important to many women and when you don’t have it; it can be pretty traumatic. I really miss having my long hair. I used to have long, curly hair. I could wear it curly or I could straighten it for a different look. People complimented me on my hair and it felt good. Unfortunately my hair fell out while I was on chemo. It fell out slowly. Every time I took a shower and combed my hair it would come out. It wasn’t noticeable but I didn’t want it to get to the point where I had bald spots and it was getting ridiculous trying to keep the shower from getting clogged so I decided to cut my hair short. I got a lovely short haircut from a friend but soon that wasn’t enough. Chemo was starting to make my head break out in a painful pimple-like rash and it hurt to wash my head. I then just had it shaved instead. I hated watching my hair fall out. Eventually I was bald without having to shave my head. The worst was when my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. That really made me cry.
Read more