Forgiveness and Strength

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How do you forgive someone? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't want to die hating someone so I'm trying to find that inner peace or whatever it is that will help me learn how to forgive someone. I really thought I was getting there but the person just had to ruin it. I guess it'll just take some time. I'm just not sure when I'll reach my breaking point. So many broken promises...

 Maybe yoga and meditation? Nahhh. My attention span is horrible. I think eventually it'll come to me. Right now, at this moment, I wish I could just pick up and leave. Travel somewhere with my Cruz. Visit family in Mexico, visit all the pyramids in the world, take a road trip across the country, go to Europe. There's so many things I want to do and so many things I want Cruz to see. 

 Life is just hard at this moment but I'm taking it one day at a time. I should be happy right now, right? I'm NED and my recent tumor markers came back normal once again. I should be celebrating but instead I'm sad and tired. I can't sleep. So many thoughts run through my head and just when I think I'm asleep I have a nightmare and wake up. Not even the earthquake we had last Saturday phased me. I just opened my eyes, stayed in bed and let it pass. I checked on Cruz when it was over and he was fine. We're both fine.

 Sometimes I just can't believe I have cancer and that I'm a single mom. I wish I didn't have to do it alone but I do. God has his reasons, right? I'm just so scared the cancer is spreading outside of my breast and liver. I know I just had a scan and everything is fine but my shoulder still won't stop hurting. So many things going on right now yet people still think I'm strong. Maybe people really believe it or they don't want to see the reality because the reality is just too harsh. I'm not saying I'm not strong but I want people to understand how hard living with cancer really is. I look healthy but I'm not. Maybe they'll believe it when I actually look sick. I don't know anymore. I just know that I'm strong enough to move forward and take care of myself and my son on my own. 

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