I Should Be Happy

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After receiving such great news I should be happy. I should be over the moon happy but instead I feel kind of numb. Obviously I'm grateful that I am still NED. Gives me hope that I will be here to see my grandchildren one day. Unfortunately I'm letting all this happiness be overshadowed by stupid shit. I'm really worried about my financial situation. I'm running out of savings and I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on like this. The bills are taking a toll on me. If I didn't have the medical bills everything would be manageable. 

 I'm also angry that I'm doing this alone. I mean, I know I can do it alone but I shouldn't have to. Am I being played? I don't know. I hope not because I'm tired of being hurt. Seems to happen to me on a regular basis but I guess it's my own fault for allowing it. And then there's work. I love being a nurse but I don't want to go work in a hostile environment. I don't want to be judged and questioned about my illness and every single absence. For a healthcare environment, they really don't seem to take good care of their own. 

 Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed. I feel like crying all the time. Thankfully, I'm pretty good at putting on my happy mask. No one wants to hear about the bad stuff. They just want me to pretend everything is fantastic! I need to pull myself out of this funk. I can't continue to let stupid shit get the best of me. There's just too much negativity around me and it's draining. It doesn't help me at all to dwell on the things I can't control but fuck! Can I catch a break please? 

 Okay. I have to shake this off now. I need to focus on my health and becoming a strong, independent woman once again. So, God? Please help me. I really need your help right now. I need to stop letting my own thoughts bring me down. Easier said than done but I'll try anything right now. I have to try my best to enjoy the life I have left with my Cruz.

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