Grateful but...
Sometimes I think I should just go home. I don't feel like I belong out here. My life here is a very lonely one and I'm just not used to the quietness. I think I can count my close friends out here with one hand but still, most days are spent at work or home with Cruz. It's not for lack of trying but I guess I'm just at a different point in my life than most people. People don't want to be reminded of their own mortality and I think people may be uncomfortable with how realistic I am about my diagnosis. For me, I just find it to be educational because most people don't understand the meaning of a Stage IV diagnosis. I find that I always have to reiterate the fact that it's INCURABLE. It's true that I don't look sick. It's true that my hair is growing back. It's true that I don't need systemic chemo at this moment but I'm still taking medication.
Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thing. It's true that it's fairly mild compared to my previous treatment but the fact that I have to be on some medication for the rest of my life shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm sorry that I don't look like the typical cancer patient you see on TV. For the most part, I don't show people how shitty I feel at times. I'm always tired. I get short of breath sometimes. At this very moment my liver, shoulder and elbow are hurting so badly and making me feel very uncomfortable. I wake up 3-4 times a night due to my menopause symptoms and anxiety. I have to take Lexapro due to PTSD symptoms which has made me feel so much better compared to how I felt immediately after starting chemo.
Despite all of this I manage to live a relatively normal life but I'm on borrowed time here. I don't know when but one day my cancer WILL become out of control again and I'll have to change medications. This will be on repeat until we run out of options. I truly hope that I'll get to be here many more years but I don't know. And yes, I know, no one knows when their time is up but it's not the same as knowing you have a deadline and how you're most likely going to die.
For now, I'm grateful to be spending another Christmas with Cruz. I'm lucky enough to have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off from work to enjoy with my family. It's been a stressful few months and I just want to thank my dear friend Karen for surprising me with gifts for Christmas. She knew it was a tough Christmas ahead for me and I appreciate her love and support during this difficult month. She's been a constant source of support whether it's taking me to my infusions, doctors appointments or just giving me advice. I know that all I have to do is ask and I can count on her (unless she's on a cruise, LOL). There have also been a few people that have helped with Cruz while I go to my infusions, so thank you very much, you know who you are. I just wish there were more people like you in my life.
Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thing. It's true that it's fairly mild compared to my previous treatment but the fact that I have to be on some medication for the rest of my life shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm sorry that I don't look like the typical cancer patient you see on TV. For the most part, I don't show people how shitty I feel at times. I'm always tired. I get short of breath sometimes. At this very moment my liver, shoulder and elbow are hurting so badly and making me feel very uncomfortable. I wake up 3-4 times a night due to my menopause symptoms and anxiety. I have to take Lexapro due to PTSD symptoms which has made me feel so much better compared to how I felt immediately after starting chemo.
Despite all of this I manage to live a relatively normal life but I'm on borrowed time here. I don't know when but one day my cancer WILL become out of control again and I'll have to change medications. This will be on repeat until we run out of options. I truly hope that I'll get to be here many more years but I don't know. And yes, I know, no one knows when their time is up but it's not the same as knowing you have a deadline and how you're most likely going to die.
For now, I'm grateful to be spending another Christmas with Cruz. I'm lucky enough to have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off from work to enjoy with my family. It's been a stressful few months and I just want to thank my dear friend Karen for surprising me with gifts for Christmas. She knew it was a tough Christmas ahead for me and I appreciate her love and support during this difficult month. She's been a constant source of support whether it's taking me to my infusions, doctors appointments or just giving me advice. I know that all I have to do is ask and I can count on her (unless she's on a cruise, LOL). There have also been a few people that have helped with Cruz while I go to my infusions, so thank you very much, you know who you are. I just wish there were more people like you in my life.
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