Changes...

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Being a single mom is hard but being a single mom with cancer and living in the Bay area is even harder. Sometimes I wish I could just come home and relax but there's no such thing as free time these days. If I'm not at work then I'm at an appointment or running errands. Sleeping in? I don't know what that is anymore. I think that disappears the moment you have kids. ;) Except now it's coupled with anxiety-induced insomnia. I think the only days when I actually feel rested are my infusion days. So, thank you Benadryl for allowing me a day of rest every 3 weeks. 

 I think I just have to accept that I will never have the energy I once had or be a power mom and that's okay. I don't have the free time to be able to volunteer for school activities. I may be able to go on the occasional field trip but that's about it. Sometimes I wish I could help out in class but I just don't have time. I've also been using a lot of free time looking for a different job. I really need a change. Nursing is a highly stressful job but the work environment really makes a difference. I don't think I can stress that part enough. Needless to say, I'm looking for a change in environment. 

 There's been so many changes these past few years. A lot of them not so great and I'm ready for something exciting and joyful to happen. And believe me, I am trying so hard to make positive changes. I'm trying my best to finish my Master's Degree but I have decided to change tracks which means it will take me longer to finish but I just know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. I've already initiated the steps to go back to school in the Fall. In a way it's kind of odd to be going back to school considering I'm not sure if my health will allow me to finish my degree. I usually try not to think long term but going back to school is going to be at least a two year commitment since I may have to start my Master's degree from the beginning (which really sucks but it is what it is). I feel like I'm tempting fate somehow by thinking too far in the future.

 At the same time it will keep me distracted and it's something I really want to do. I just hope I have the energy for it. My current treatment for my cancer is pretty tolerable but I'm always afraid with each scan that it will show progression and that I will have to change treatment. Changing treatments means a whole different set of side effects that may not leave me able to continue going to school or work. I guess that's a risk I have to be willing to take. Hopefully I can cross this off my bucket list. 

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