Shitty Weekend

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Can I just say that this past weekend completely sucked! I hate feeling sad. I've been feeling so good lately and BAM!...just like that I spent most of the weekend crying or trying not to cry. Many factors were involved but I haven't been able to get out of this stupid funk. I go between wanting to just sleep to being afraid of the night. And yes, I already take anti-depressants (thanks cancer) and go to therapy occasionally. But anyway...

 I've gone through a few tests recently. I had a PET-CT scan, endoscopy, chest xray, I have a bone density test coming up and I may have exploratory surgery. The chest xray was for this pain I had been feeling on my right side which turned out to be a broken rib, hence the bone density test coming up. Since it broke with no trauma we want to see how dense my bones are just in case I need to start bone strengthening medications. Once again, thank you cancer for making my body into that of an 80 year old woman. The PET-CT scan was moved up also because of the broken rib as well as my ongoing liver pain. Which is why I also had an endoscopy with a biopsy. My oncologist is trying to be very thorough. She said that if we can't find anything after all these tests then she wants to do an exploratory lap surgery just to take a look inside to make sure. She doesn't want to miss any progression. At this point, I'll do whatever my oncologist wants. I trust her. I just hope everything is still stable. But if it isn't I want her to catch it before it spreads like wildfire. So, for now I wait. I'm an expert at waiting.

 The fun news is that I'm going to a breast cancer conference in Atlanta next month. I'll get to see some of my Mets friends and hopefully have a really good time. I seriously need the break. I've been so stressed lately that I may have to quit school. I really don't want to but I'm not sure I can afford it. Despite having cancer I think I have to work more hours. I need to pay for my health insurance and the medical bills are enough to cause a heart attack. At this rate I'm going to have to work even when cancer has me in a wheelchair and a morphine drip. Sorry, I'm just so upset today and have been for a few days. I don't feel like pretending to be happy.

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