Dating with Cancer

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So, I deleted my last post about abuse because I got really fucking scared. The fear never goes away but anyway.....

 Since my breakup I tried to start dating but to be honest it's not working out. I just don't think anyone wants to date anyone with Stage 4 cancer. I can't guarantee that I will live a long time and I can't have any children. I'm at an age where some people want children and I just can't give them biological children. I lost the ability to carry a child at 25 years old and lost the ability to have biological children at 31 when I started treatment for cancer. I actually took the initiative once to ask someone out and got totally rejected. It wasn't a good feeling. I don't know how guys do it. It's a real mind fuck. For now I'm just going to focus on myself and Cruz. We've had so much bad luck recently that we can't take anymore rejection.

 I think that we're going to take a trip tomorrow because we need some kind of distraction. I need to get my mind off so many things and I'm sure he does too. The thought of his father just walking out on us has really affected him. The fact that I have cancer doesn't help either. 

 I'm back on treatment. My tumor markers had risen but are still in normal range but I still need to get a scan and echo to check my heart. Of course all the side effects have returned with a vengeance but it's ok as long as the drugs keep me alive. I just need to live til Cruz is 18 and he'll be 12 in July so 6 more years and hopefully I'm relatively healthy until then.

 Right now I'm just sad that one of my friends, Dianne, doesn't have too long left to live. We just saw each other a few months ago in Florida. We even went to Universal Studios. She lives on the east coast so it's not like I can just pop over to see her but I wish I could. Earlier in the year our friend Anise died so now, I'm about to lose my 2 best friends with cancer and it's been tough. It's not fair that I'm doing so well. Why them and not me? 

My luck has been really bad though. I looked up my Chinese horoscope for the year and it basically said that this year was not going to be a good year for me and so far it's true. I just need one positive thing to happen soon to give me hope cuz I'm drowning.

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